A glimpse through me...

This is actually one of those (usually) really stupid facebook survey/note things, but I was reading through one of my friends and it really made me think, so I typed it up and instead of posting it on facebook (because who really wants their newsfeed clogged up with notes?) I figured I'd post it here. 

Get to know me: 

·  How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Meaning how old do I think/act? Probably around 20-21. I like to think I’m mature, but no one our age actually acts like an adult.

·  Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Failing. Just because failing is probably my number one fear.

·  If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Because just because you say “life is short” doesn’t mean you actually realize it until it’s too late.

·  When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I’m not the kind of person who’s all talk and no action, if I say something, I’ll do it.

·  What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Selfish-ness. It astounds me how many people on Wall Street, politicians, corporate leaders, etc. are busy fighting over who gets the most money, when there are people starving and struggling just to live a half-way normal life all over the country. 

·  If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Playing with kids. I could do that all day even without getting paid.

·  Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I just decided this week actually on what I want to do with the rest of my life. And it’s definitely what I believe in, not settling. Even if my parents don’t agree with my decision, it’s what I want.

·  If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I think people would move through life a lot more quickly. And I definitely don’t think we’d spend so much time in school. 

·  To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

A good 95%. My parents were good about letting me choose where I wanted to go to college and letting me do what I want (within limits, of course. I don’t actually get to do “whatever I want”) But I’ve always been a really independent person which has caused me to be the one always making choices in my life, not having others do that for me.

 ·  Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Doing the right things.

·  You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

This has actually happened before. I bring up things that they may not know about that person, little glimpses into things they’ve struggled with, things like that, to show some perspective. 

·  If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Let’s pretend they’re slightly older than newborn, so they actually understand: Don’t look down upon someone. You don’t know their life or what they’ve been through and they don’t deserve that.

·  Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Call me an awful person, but it depends on the severity. I think there are many instances where lawbreaking isn’t the only solution. 

·  Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Yes

·  What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

It’s not really something I DO per se, but I know that my outlook on life is extremely different than most people. When you don’t know me that well, I seem like an optimist. Then you “get to know me” and I seem really cynical. But really, I’m some messed up combination of both  

·  How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

Everyone has different preferences

·  What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?

Live in another country. I have to graduate before that happens. 

·  Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

I finally got over everything I needed to this summer. It feels so good.

·  If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

State- Vermont because the East coast is beautiful, Colorado because I love it there, or somewhere like South Carolina or Georgia or something because that southern lifestyle seems enjoyable

Country – Germany. Stuttgart, DE to be exact. Because when I visited there I just felt like that’s where I belonged.

·  Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Last year I always pushed it a bunch of times because I convinced myself that a) it went faster and b) it wouldn’t stop on any other floors (this is all false, by the way. And I knew that)

·  Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Worried genius. I’m the kind of person that needs to know how things work, what’s going on, that kind of thing.

·  Why are you, you?

The way I was raised, the people I’ve met, the experiences I’ve had. 

·  Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

I think I’m a pretty good friend…

·  Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

Losing touch with a good friend who lives near you, because just because someone moves away doesn’t mean they’re out of your life.

·  What are you most grateful for?

My dad. I get pissed at him ALL the time and a lot of the things he does frustrate me more than I can explain. But he’s the reason I’ve had the life I have and am the person I am. I’m more like him than anyone else in the world, and I’m thankful for that.  

·  Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

Well that just sucks. On one hand, if you lose all your old memories, you lose your childhood: growing up, figuring out life, all those awkward times that just didn’t make sense. And in a way, you’d lose who you are today. But on the other hand, if you can’t make new memories you’d miss out on so much of your life. I’m barely a quarter of the way through my life and have so much ahead of me, that I can’t imagine not making memories out of that.

But I think I’d rather not be able to make new ones. It’s not like I wouldn’t be able to experience everything. And I don’t think I’d be able to live my life without my memories of my grandma and others who have passed away. But especially my grandma.

·  Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

No.

·  Has your greatest fear ever come true?

My biggest fear is failing. Sure, I’ve failed tests and crap like that. But I have yet to fail a class (knock on wood) and don’t consider anything I’ve done true failure, so no.

·  Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

Yes. And in a way it does matter, because 5 years ago was when I learned I couldn’t pursue dance (technically, I couldn’t dance at all, but I have a problem listening to authority and doctors). And that has drastically changed my life in so many ways. But I’ve learned to cope and fill my life with other things. 

·  What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?

When I was younger my family went to florida every year to visit my grandparents and for a couple days my parents would go to Key West to leave me and my brother with my grandparents and those are my happiest memories. My moms parents passed away when I was way too young to even know them and my dad parents lived so far away I barely got to see them, so those couple days a year when it was just my brother and I with oma and opa were my favorite. 

·  At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

I was driving home from work…or driving to? Probably one of those times where I had to leave for an hour and go back, so it was probably just aimless driving for an hour…but anyway. Some song came on and there were no cars around me and the sky was perfect and it was sunny, but not too sunny and all that happiness and I just was thinking about…everything…and realized that sure, I might struggle some times. I might just want to break down and cry and give up, but there’s so much out there and so many people rooting for me that I can’t do that.

·  If not now, then when?

Don’t say tomorrow because tomorrow may never come.

Woah.

·  If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Unfortunately, to get the career I want I need to keep going to school. Sucks, doesn’t it?

·  Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Well, I don’t think I’ve thought “hey, that was a great conversation of silence!” but yeah, I know what this is getting at and I have felt that before.

·  Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Because people can’t accept that everyone has different views, so they all want theirs to be the “right” one

·  Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Not always. 

·  If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Well, considering tomorrow’s my last day…haha but honestly, I loved my AR job so I’d probably keep that. I got the best of both worlds..editing videos, seeing kids. I was even unofficial babysitter. You know you’re going to keep your job when the bosses kids love you and even spend the entire next day talking about you and asking about you. Haha I’m going to miss those buggers.

·  Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

More work. I hate being bored and doing nothing.

·  Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

If you like at the big picture, yes. Wake up early, go to AR, eat lunch, go to AP, go home, make dinner, work on English. But each day has details that make it different and it’s important to look at those so you don't go crazy.

·  When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

Probably going to college. No one in my family has gone to a huge university and never out of state. So for the first time I was alone and didn’t have hundreds of “older, wiser” cousins telling me what it’d be like. Just me. Figuring out life on my own.

·  If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

I’d honestly probably just live my life normally. No use making people extra sad.

·  Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

No. I think that’s stupid and selfish.

·  What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Being alive is just going through the motions. Truly living is noticing the motions.

·  When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

I think there just comes a time in your life where you have to stop questioning and just go. 

·  If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Because we’re taught from a young age that mistakes are bad. You’re never rewarded for a mistake, you’re rewarded for being right.

·  What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I live my life like no one judges me. Trust me, I’m well aware that people do. But it’s my life, not theirs and they have no right to judge what I do. Every action I make has a reason, just because someone else doesn’t know what that reason is doesn’t mean they have the right to judge me.

·  When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Well, other than just now. Earlier today. I was laughing really hard and when I stopped was actually breathing really hard.

·  What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

Kids. Their innocence and eagerness to know everything amazes me. They have no judgments, they say what’s on their mind. I find it a little sad when kids outgrow that stage of their life and I think too many people forget what being a kid is actually like which is why so many people become miserable as they get older. How have I expressed this recently? I don’t know if I’ve really expressed it, but I have risked my job before to watch kids at work. Honestly, it ended up giving me a raise, but I didn’t know that at the time, I thought I’d get fired because I ignored the phone that kept ringing and the line of people at the desk to go to some little kid who kept playing with an exercise bike and sticking his fingers in it and take him away from that until his dad showed up again (who knows where he went). Instead of my boss getting pissed he actually thanked me and said I have good priorities. Who knew?

·  In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

I don’t think I’ll remember exactly what I did. But I’ll definitely remember this summer.

·  Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I’m making them for myself. And I’m happy I can say that. Even after my dad lectured me that the major I chose will not get me a good salary and blahblahblah. I know that I’ll be happy and that’s what important.

Seven Letters

Forever. It's just a word, right? Seven letters shouldn't be so intimidating. But nothing can bring so much excitement and complete fear like that word.

What does it mean? Forever. Until the end of time. Always. The complete opposite of temporary. It's meaning that you're always there. Forever. No one can properly define the word. Because no one actually knows what forever means. No one's actually experienced it. Because once you reach forever - forever is over. Forever becomes never. The fear of "will I make it to forever" gets lost and has an answer. But you'll never be able to tell anyone. To tell them that - forever - it's not that scary. It is possible. You've just got to keep hanging on. Because you will get to forever eventually. And you'll realize you had nothing to worry about in the first place. Because forever is bound to happen eventually. Don't fear that seven letter word. Don't event think about it. Because you'll spend your whole life wondering what it's all about. And there's a thousand and one better things to wonder about.

Forever. It really is just a word. A word we use to hide our lives worth of fears into. And that's not really fair. It's just seven letters. It can't hold your whole life. It can't hold your forever.

Welcome back...

After over a year long hiatus of trying to find myself. I'm back. Back to where I feel most comfortable. This blog doesn't have an actual purpose or direction - but that's where I am in my life right now. I don't know where I'm going, don't know where I'll end up, but I'm sure the journey will be something I'll never want to forget.

So join me. As I decide my future. Figure out my past and get back to my true passions. I may not know where I'm going, but I'm more excited for the journey there anyway.

I almost forgot...

This existed. Well, not really, I always remembered it, but I couldn't remember my username or anything. Who knew a homework assignment would actually bring me back here?

Anyway, I have a brand new outlook on life and I can't wait to share it.

Life's too short to be cynical. But don't start thinking I'm waiting for my life to turn out like a fairy tale. Just the opposite actually....

...What?

I think I'm too hard on myself. But at the same time, not hard enough. I procrastinate way too much, but if I don't study for a test (which is every test I've taken in the past 4 years), or have a lot of homework, I stress myself out SO much that I literally make myself sick.
I feel like I need a break from school, a break from life. Even winter break/spring break/summer vacation isn't really a "break". We still have homework, projects, tests, books to read. I need a weekend, or a week, where I can just sit back and relax. Sleep more than 4 hours a night, actually have fun for once, be away from people. Because a lot of times, people annoy me.

I can't even get my thoughts in order.

I miss middle school. I felt invincible. I (thought) I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I had a plan. I even knew what I wanted to major in, and what colleges I wanted to go to...in 8th grade. I was truly happy with my life. I had the best friends in the entire world. Every weekend I had somewhere to go, someone to hang out with, someone I actually liked.
This year: not so much. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore and I keep getting crap from my parents and teachers and guidance counselor at school. Colleges? don't ask me about them. My future? I don't know.

I'm desperately trying not to keep hitting the backspace button.

"Friends" annoy me. Aren't friends supposed to support you? Aren't they supposed to be the people you can be yourself around? Shouldn't you be able to tell them everything, well, almost everything?
Yeah, I wish I had friends like that. Hell, I wish I even had a family like that.

Enough of this, I'm starting to complain too much.

I really do have a pretty decent life. I mean, it's not perfect, but whose is? I want to meet that person. Yeah, I have had to work for everything I have. I pay for my own stuff. I work for the opportunities I've been given. My family is hard on me, but in the end, won't that just make me a stronger person? Won't I just be more prepared for the "real world" then?
What is the real world anyway? Were we not all born in the "real" world? I don't think someones age should determine whether or not they live and work in the real world. But that's just my opinion. And I'm just a teenager, so obviously my opinion is worthless to the rest of the world.

Think I'm lying? Think again.

Lame

Have you ever had a day where it seems like nothing goes right? Where you just seem to fail at whatever you do? Everyone annoys you for no reason at all and you get mad at them for that non-existent reason?
I hate those kind of days.

But today was exactly that kind of day. And I have a feeling this whole week will be like that. I want to fast forward and go to next week, or the week after. I'm not saying I just want to skip a half of my life and go to whenever we have breaks for school, I actually enjoy school. Even though that sounds weird. I love (most) of the people and enjoy learning (nerdy enough for you?). I just feel like we have WAY too much pressure put on us and, I'm going to be honest, it sucks.

Anyway.
Homecoming? I think I like the idea of Homecoming and getting ready for it more than the actual dance. For instance, this year I'm much more excited for the party beforehand than Homecoming. Is that weird? I also look forward to Homecoming week more than Homecoming night. It just seems so much more exciting. And for once our entire school shows immense school spirit. Oh, and our teachers slack on us a lot. Except for AP classes which don't know the definition of "no homework" and "slacking" but that's what I signed up for, right?